Emily

I'm copying some of my blogs over here, for [hopefully] a more adult/mature audience. Or maybe I'm just searching for a different crowd.

Here is the blog I wrote November 2, 2007.

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incessant ramblings of a know-it-all 19 year old.
&random entries from songs I listen to as i type this, separated by dashes.
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This one goes out to the one i love
this one goes out to the one i left behind

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Life has so many interesting twists and turns. Some that are expected, most that aren't whatsoever. This one falls inbetween.

Emily Brightwell passed away this monday. Without me knowing until today. Nearly a week had gone by. I would have not known for even longer if my mother hadn't called me this morning asking me if i knew. I didn't react.. How could I? Such a girl doesn't deserve this fate.. She is a wonderful person and an even more amazing friend. I am deeply saddened by the fact that I didn't hang out with her as much as i could.

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blue skies from pain
can you tell a green field
from a cold, steel rail..
a smile from a veil
Do you think you can tell?

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So I actually regret something for once, and I admit it. It is for a good reason at least. Not so much good as i mean Meaningful reason. There are a lot of things I could regret, but choose not to, for my own sake, because I believe them to be life changing events that couldn't have happened any other way. I can say that I would not be the same person if it were not for emily's input on my life. At times when I was down, she was 100% cheerful, always there to keep my chin up. Her situation leads me to think that if I can't pull off anything I want in life, I must be failing, because if she can go thru what she did with as little of hassle as she did.. anybody can do anything.

Why are guilty criminals let free
Why are innocent people killed
Why do young beautfiful lives get cut short

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And if they catch you in the back seat
trying to pick her locks
they're gonna send you back to mother
in a cardboard box.
you better RUN

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Why anything. We are humans, that's what we do. In between birth and death lies LIFE. I choose a life fit for me. Drugs are out. Unneeded chemical enhancers that can also ruin your life. So why take a risk? Because it makes you feel good. It makes you funny, attractive, all these things. So why I choose not to do these things is kind of obvious. I try to feel as good as possible all the time, but in the same step, I can say that anyone i care about around me that does these things disappoints me 1) because I know I probably couldn't help them and 2) they wouldn't want help because they don't think they need it.

So who cares who fucks up when they're altered? The person it directly affects. So in this case, I could be affected because of someone's decisions every single day. It's not sad, it just means i really really care about them. Some mistakes are unrecoverable and some topics are better left undiscussed. Thats also how we are as human beings, some people like to avoid conflict when they could end up wrong, others like to start shit because they think they're right. I'm sort of both. Sometimes to get a resolution, even if I am wrong, I'll get some conflict going, just to put the truth or the answer out there. Sometimes I can't do that because it would be the wrong thing to do, so I dont' say anything. Other times I'll just sit there and not say anything relative to the area that should be discussed or that could effect me, just to see how long it takes [insert anybody here] to talk about it or give me a straight answer.

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mother do you think they'll like this song?
mother do you think they'll try to break my balls?
oooo, ah, mother should I build a wall?
mother should I run for president?
mother should i trust the government?
mother will they put me in the firing line?
oooo, ah, is it just a waste of time?

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I have to get up at 8am today to bury my friend Emily. I don't know if it is going to be open casket or not. I don't know anything. I'm going to show up a few minutes early in my black pants with a solid blue puritan dress shirt. I don't know how to dress for a funeral.

I have had family members die, most that I do not know directly or have never met.
My grandfather on my biological father's side died a while ago. All I knew about him is that we called him Cheif.
I know my father is in california right now. That's it.

This is the first funeral I will be attending.
Why did it have to be hers.. Why her.. Why take her now? She had so much to give to this world. The brightest mind, most friendly person I have ever met. Kind of like a girl version of me is kind of a way to put it.
Her favorite band was Pink Floyd. I believe so.
Listening to "Wish you were here" will forever have a different meaning.

I guess I should get some sleep now.

Goodnight everybody.